My kid is an asshole

As a teenager sitting on my parents couch, I heard a comedian say “my kid is an asshole” I sat there laughing, but also thinking how in the world does a parent call their child an asshole. Almost 15 years later here i am announcing that my almost 5 year old is indeed an asshole.

“Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house. And you get sick from them all the time. Last week I had a flu that I caught because my daughter coughed … into my mouth.”

Louis C.K.

My daughter is beyond beautiful (still not sure how i created her) but she is a master of manipulation, and war! As a parent we choose to pick our fights, because some are just not worth the hour headache, and the screaming child. As I’m telling my daughter “put your shoes on we are going to the store” she looks at me and laughs! At first this is kind of funny, but ok enough is enough we need to go. “Put your shoes on now lorelei” i can already see her cheeks getting red from anger, “put them shoes on now, or ill let your feet freeze” she says ok!
Ok!!! I just lost that war, she then proceeds to the door to put her coat on!!! Yes her coat because its 25 degrees outside. I had to wonder why its cold enough for a coat but not for some damn shoes. I am already aggravated that my kid won, i am also on a time limit so i say fuck it.

Get to the store, i already know I’m going to get looks. It comes with the territory of having a toddler with NO SHOES in 25 degree weather. I put her in the cart and go on my way while others pass judgement. I am almost done and getting ready to check out when an older lady says ” oh my goodness child where are your shoes?” I begin to talk as I’m rudely interrupted by my 4 year old, “mama said she was just going to let my feet freeze” . The lady looks at me and i try to explain but my daughter did the damage already and it cant be taken back. I look dead on with my 4 year old and say “oh its on”. She doesn’t know it but time out is coming, and quick!

I get home put her time out as she stomps her ass around the house like a damn moose. i have already told her no pads (ipad) She goes and says fine, i got toys. I just cant win, i just shut the door and walk away.

“I never judge other parents. You know when you see a mother in McDonald’s or someplace or a toy store and she’s just melting down on her kid? She’s like, ‘Shut up, I hate you, you’re ugly!’ And people are standing around going “oh my goodness, she’s a horrible mother’ Well guess what, those people aren’t fucking parents … Because any parents who are in that store are thinking, ’What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman? That poor woman. I wish I could help.’”

Louis C.K.

As a parent everyday is a new day with new obstacles, she may be sweet as sugar, or she could be giving the bird to unsuspecting car passing. All kids are assholes, from a very early age they learn how to manipulate us, get what they want how they want and when they want. We are forever more servants to these creatures. I may have Satan’s spawn 6 days out of the week but i do love her and more then life itself. I would give my life for her even if she was being an asshole at the time. My daughter loreleli is a blessing and has change me drastically in so many ways. They may seem sweet but they ulterior motivates, so before having a kid think am i ready for a mini me running around being an asshole to me?


Hope you all enjoy this. I hope it makes you laugh and makes you think a little before bringing a mini you into this world 🌎

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